Do These Two Things Before You Have That Hard Conversation
Friction sharpens the blade. Unproductive conflict is everywhere. We see it modeled in Washington DC and on our cable news shows. We see it modeled in businesses and in households. Unfortunately, these poor models have left many people unprepared or unwilling to engage in conflict. In fact, people often believe conflict is a bad thing. But, it is friction that sharpens a blade. However, the secret to producing a sharper blade is not just about applying friction, it is also about the angle that blade is applied to the sharpening stone. When it comes from the wrong angle, that stone will damage the blade or in another case leave it unchanged. There are many books and seminars on how to engage in conflict. We even spend a day teaching the topic, Communicating with Character. We spend time talking about the mechanics of engaging in productive conflict. But there are two steps we start with that are critical to being sure the conflict is productive. And those two steps are dependent on two Habits of Character: Courage and Humility. Courage: Acting despite perceived or actual risk. Humility: Believing and acting like “It’s not about me.” The first step to communicating with character when facing conflict is actually exercising the Courage to engage. Too many people avoid these situations. They gloss over the issue, make it seem like it’s no big deal, or they just kick the can down the road over and over again in hopes that it will go away. (But it rarely does….) This is like laying the blade flat on the sharpening stone and applying as little pressure as possible on the edge of the blade. That knife will not get sharp. That knife might not get damaged. But the lack of friction will cause it to dull over time and become useless. It takes Courage to step into a situation that may make you uncomfortable. It takes Courage, to engage a person who may not be open to your conversation. It takes Courage to communicate with character at the moment a Leader of Character is needed to step up and speak up. The second step to Communicating with Character when facing conflict is exercising the Humility to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Too often, people enter into a difficult conversation ready to fight. They make assumptions about the other person’s motives and decide that in order to win, they need their point of view to win the day. They see the other person’s motives as less than their own. They believe there is purity and Integrity in their own motives, while the other person’s motives are less pure and less honest. That approach is synonymous with pulling the blade across the sharpening stone at a ninety degree angle. There will be friction. But that friction is going to dull the blade quickly and could make it useless in the long run. The damage we do, when we assume our motives are better than theirs, sets us up to damage the relationship and therefore make it dull and useless in the future. But if you start by exercising the Courage to engage in the conflict and then exercising the Humility to see the other person’s motives are as valid as your own, the opportunity for a positive outcome skyrockets. The current situation becomes more manageable and future conflicts become less contentious. Win/win scenarios become real possibilities, and both parties walk away from the conflict sharper – better. But it all needs to start with Courage and Humility. Question: When have you seen someone avoid conflict out of fear or discomfort? Did the situation improve by doing that? Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
What Did You Learn from Your Last Failure?
“What did I just learn?” When you fail, you have two choices. You can wallow in that failure or you can learn from it. It is your choice. The wisest people, the most successful leaders, do not see failure as the worst thing that can happen. They see failure without learning as the worst thing that can happen. When you have failed and you learn nothing from that failure, you waste life’s greatest learning laboratory. Failure is essential to learning. You didn’t learn your math tables, how to drive, or become an expert in your field because you did everything right the first time you tried it. You failed once, twice, maybe multiple times. But each time you failed, you learned something new and grew. That is how you got good at that thing. The problem many people have is that they see failure as a personal indictment of who they are. They believe that whatever they just failed at doing, will be their undoing. Some people try to hide their failures from others and may even delude themselves into thinking it was out of their control. When someone brushes past a failure and moves on like it is no big deal, they have just doomed themselves to mediocrity. When we pass the buck and say, “I couldn’t control it.”, we are convinced we have nothing to learn. Therefore, we stop growing. I see it happen on teams all the time. I get to work with engineers, bankers, lawyers, entrepreneurs, cops, and fire personnel. I see many of these trained professionals walk away from a situation, a project, or an incident and miss the critical last step in the process. The last step they, and all of us, should be doing is stopping and asking ourselves: “What did I/we just learn?” If more individuals and more teams paused after a failure and asked themselves this question, we would have a lot more wise and successful people in our midst. I called failure life’s greatest learning laboratory. But, so many leaders and teams ignore that opportunity to learn. Lot’s of times it is that individual’s pride that prevents them from taking a step into that lab. They do not want to face their shortcomings now, so they set themselves up for more failures in the future. A project, a mission, an incident is not complete until you stop and ask yourself, “What did I just learn?” I had a coach who never berated me or dwelled on my failures. He just asked me, “What did you just learn?” He would not let me off the hook either. He forced me to stop and evaluate my thoughts, my words, and my actions before he would let me move on to the next thing. As a result, every success AND every failure became a learning laboratory that prepared me for the future tests I would face. In the military they call these After Action Reviews. These are used by teams at the end of every mission – the successful missions and the screw ups. In fact, the mission is not completed until the AAR process is done. That ensures that every team and every team member is focused on growing and becoming wiser before the next mission. If you want a free PDF outline of an AAR process, just email us at info@alslead.com and we will send it to you for you and your team to use. Question: What failures have you learned from the most? When can you institute a personal or team AAR? Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
VLOG – How We Become Selfish, Entitled and Negative
Self! If you want to be a Leader of Character, you can’t let that word blur your vision. If you do, you are in danger of falling into the Selfish Cyle of self-focus, entitlement, and negativity. Watch this 103 second video and learn how to avoid the Selfish Cycle. Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
Just Admit It! You Stink at ….
When a leader never admits their faults, they are essentially saying, “I am perfect.” As a young and naive manager, I thought people wouldn’t trust me if I told them I wasn’t good at something. If I had a weakness, I tried to hide it so others wouldn’t know. I was sure that the people I was called to lead would question my fitness for leadership if I ever said, “I stink at _____.” But the truth is everyone already knew my weaknesses whether I admitted to them or not! When everyone knows we stink at something and we won’t admit it, that does not build their trust, that tears it down! As leaders, our pride may make us believe that we should be good at everything. We may even think that everyone else thinks we should be good at everything. But both those thoughts are markers of a naive person. When a leader owns their weaknesses that actually builds trust with the people around them. A leader who exercises the Humility to see themselves honestly and then be honest about what they see, gains the respect of others. In a recent workshop with some senior leaders in the fire services, I asked the group, “What will people think if you let them know you are not good at something?” Immediately, one of those leaders said, “I will lose their trust.” I looked this big burly man’s man dead in the eye and said, “You are dead wrong my friend! A leader who admits faults actually builds trust. Because that leader is just admitting to things everyone already knows about them!” He answered out of a position of pride not out of one of Humility. He was living the “fake it until you make it” life and thinking that would add to his credibility. A leader who fakes it, will never gain the trust of others. That is just a foolish or naive approach to leadership. There is and never will be a perfect leader on this side of heaven. But, when a leader never admits their faults, they are essentially saying, “I am perfect.” Which makes everyone around them think, “this guy is either that ignorant, that arrogant or that delusional!” Whichever it is, it is not going to inspire them to trust you. Exercising Humility takes the willingness to look in the mirror, honestly evaluating yourself, and then admitting to others what you see. Don’t worry! They already see it! This now allows you to ask for help, build credibility, and actually set the example for the rest of your team to do the same thing. That is a leader who will be leading a team built on trust and a leader that will have a team committed to getting better. Question: What do you stink at doing that you should admit to others? How will that set an example for them? Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com</
VLOG – Your Attitude is a Choice – Make a Different Choice
What attitudes are you choosing each day. It is truly up to you. Your circumstances don’t choose your attitudes, you do. Watch the next 89 seconds and think about what choices you are making and how you can change those choices. Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
The Easy Choice Is Often The Wrong Choice
When something seems easy, maybe we should stop and think about whether it is right. It would be nice if there was actually an Easy Button for the choices leaders make. But life doesn’t work like that. In fact, when we have a choice between something that is easy versus something that will cause us to work a little harder or endure some level of pain, the easy choice is often the wrong choice. Don’t get me wrong, I am a big believer in being pragmatic. Let’s not overcomplicate things. Let’s get stuff done! These are familiar phrases that people who know me have heard often. But there is a danger when we don’t take a moment to run those choices through our values. Without a values filter, the path of least resistance becomes a slippery slope down into the pit of hypocrisy and selfishness. The easy choice can lead us to: Keep us in bed longer than we planned. Choosing to do fun work versus the stuff our team needs more. Omit information that makes us look bad. Say, “I ran out of time.”, when I actually procrastinated starting. Cutting and pasting a paragraph from an old performance review into this year’s. Sending an email instead of walking down the hall for a conversation. Telling someone what to do instead of teaching them how to do it. Ignoring the dishes in the sink, instead of putting them in the dishwasher. Finding a way around the rules versus working within the rules. Avoiding a difficult conversation versus proactively engaging. Holding onto information to maintain control versus sharing all that you know. When something seems easy, maybe we should stop and think about whether it is right. Is this the right thing to do or just the thing that makes my life easier at the moment? Is it the leader’s job to make their own life easier or is it to do what is right and what is best for others? When our first instinct is to look for what is the easiest choice, I want to challenge you to go with your second instinct and filter that easy choice through your values. Am I choosing the harder right or the easier wrong? Would I be satisfied if I were on the receiving end of this action? Did I just make the other person’s life easier or harder? Would the people I love be proud of my choice? Asking ourselves these questions will help us stay off that slippery slope that will lead us into hypocrisy and selfishness. When we can take the high road and put our feet on solid ground, we will be the leads others will trust and the person we will be proud to see staring at us in the mirror every morning. Question: In your past, when has the easiest choice proven to be the wrong choice? In your past, when was the harder choice the right choice? Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
Quit Trying to Guess Someone’s Motives
Guessing somebody’s motives is a bad practice. We really don’t know what their motives are. But we assume they must be negative. What if we started out by giving people the benefit of the doubt? Take 90 seconds to watch and listen. I promise, my motives are pure. Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: (Audible is coming soon!) Character Counts! Dave Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.
Ready! Go! Order Becoming a Leader of Character Audiobook today!
Okay friends! You knew this day was coming. Today is the day to order the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character is available NOW! Please order on Spotify, Apple or another platform. (Audible is coming soon!) Here are some links to make it easier for you: Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available. Please share this email with other people that you know may the audiobook type and who might want to hear about The Six Habits of Character: Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Character Counts! Dave
VLOG – Quit Trying to Guess Someone’s Motives
Guessing somebody’s motives is a bad practice. We really don’t know what their motives are. But we assume they must be negative. What if we started out by giving people the benefit of the doubt? Take 90 seconds to watch and listen. I promise, my motives are pure. Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com
The Problem with Experienced Leaders
If you are not careful, your pride in your past will limit your future. When a leader has experience, that has a lot of benefits. You have seen a lot and experienced a lot. Situations that can throw other people off track may not overwhelm you. You’ve been there and done that! Experience builds confidence. Experience provides options. But experience can also kill Humility. As I age, I find that my past can actually hurt me and the people I am called to lead. It’s a double edged sword. My age provides me with perspectives and experiences that I can fall back on when a challenge arises. But it can also cause me to close my mind to a new way of thinking. When my view of the world becomes rooted in my past, I tend to see solutions from a limited perspective. I see new people based on people I know from my past. I see old friends the way I saw them ten or twenty years ago. I solve new problems with old solutions. I fall back on what has worked for me in the past, without looking for a better way today. I shut down new ideas, because I am more comfortable with my tried and true solutions. Warning: Don’t do what I do! I have realized that when I rely solely on my experience that limits my growth. We define Humility as believing and acting like “it’s not about me.” Some leaders hesitate to look at things from a different perspective, because it makes that leader uncomfortable. When a leader holds onto “their way”, other people stop sharing their own ideas. The team begins to wait to hear from the leader because the leader wants it “their way.” Now it is not only the leader who is not growing, but also it is the team as well. If you are not careful, your pride in your past will limit your future. Experience has killed Humility. Humility says: This person may be new, but that may mean they will see this differently and innovate. I don’t want to be judged by what I did a decade ago. Why should I judge them by that standard? I know how I would do it. But, maybe I should ask someone else. It’s worked in the past, but maybe there is a better way. How is my experience keeping me from learning something new? So what can you do to make sure your experience is not killing your Humility? Give another person the benefit of the doubt. Ask for someone else’s ideas before providing your own. Push yourself outside of your comfort zone and try a new way. Give others a chance to try “their way” instead of demanding your way. Maybe you are like me and have confidence in your past experiences. If that is you, I want to challenge you. What could you learn if you exercised the Humility to try something different, to listen to different people, and not rely on just what you already know? Don’t let your experience damage your potential to lead. Question: Who could you ask to help you learn something new? What would happen if you gave someone else the opportunity to find a better solution? Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com
VLOG – Your 1st Instinct Will Get You In Trouble as a Leader
What is the difference between our first instincts and our second instincts? Character. Our first instincts can get us in trouble. We need to pause and develop our second instincts – our character. Watch for 120 seconds and think about your own instincts and character. Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com</a
Leaders – Can You Laugh at Yourself?
What type of example are we setting if we react to failure with embarrassment, shame, or anger? I failed miserably in front of my entire team. I was the one who set up a teambuilding event. We participated in a leadership reaction course (LRC) much like the ones I did in the Army. I remembered how much I learned as a young cadet at West Point when I went through the LRC in the 80s. I was sure it would be great for the team even though I was sure it might be repetitive for me. But, the joke was on me. During one part of the exercise, it was obvious that I was the weak link. So I did the only thing I could at that moment. I laughed. What about you? Are you able to look at your own failures and laugh? When was the last time that everyone was watching you and you failed? What was your reaction? Embarrassment? Shame? Anger? How a leader reacts in that moment is a window into their character. An interesting thing happens as we age, or we gain promotions, we tend to start to take ourselves too seriously. Maybe we have an overinflated view of our abilities. Maybe we think that failure is unbecoming to someone in our position. Maybe we just think people at this stage shouldn’t let others see us fail. But, we are missing an opportunity if we think that way. Everyone always talks about how a leader needs to set the example. But, what type of example are we setting if we react to failure with embarrassment, shame, or anger? How will the people watching us at work and at home react to failure when it comes their way? Having the Humility and the Courage to laugh at our failures has an impact on the people around us. When a leader can put their failures into perspective and chuckle, that sets up an environment where others feel safe to fail. When people feel safe to fail, they begin to try new things because they are less afraid of a negative outcome. When they try new things, they learn new lessons, find new solutions to old problems, and they embrace learning. The entire team, the work team and the home team, becomes a team dominated by the Courage to try, the Humility to learn, and the Positivity to not take themselves too seriously. Failure sucks because failure is an assault on my pride. Sometimes I decide to avoid new things because my pride prevents me from facing the possibility of failure – especially when that failure could happen in front of others. But a leader who is willing to try, fail, laugh, and then learn inspires a culture that will inspire others to grow and have fun while doing it. Who wouldn’t want to be part of a work team or a home team that was like that? Question: What is something new you have avoided trying because you could fail in front of others? Are you able to laugh at yourself when you screw up? Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com</a
VLOG – Where Leadership Separates from Management – People
We manage resources and processes. We lead people. In the next 90 seconds I discuss a leader’s moral obligaiton to the people on the team. If the people are not growing, that leader fulfilling his/her Duty to lead those people. They are just managing. Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com
Leaders – Challenging People Means You Care About Them
We don’t coddle people. We care for them. Some leaders are soft. They mistakenly believe that being nice is always the best choice. Unfortunately, they miss the point. The goal of leadership is not being nice. A leader’s calling is to make the people around them better. Sometimes making someone better means we care about them more than we care about being nice. When you look back on the coaches in your life who had the most impact on you, they probably weren’t always nice. They probably told you some hard truths about yourself or your performance. Those truths may have stung when they said them. But they said them because they cared. As my friend Colonel (Retired) Craig Flowers says, “We don’t coddle people. We care for them.” Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for someone is to challenge them. When we care about someone, we want what is best for them. We see who they could be or should be, and we challenge their current choices. We engage in uncomfortable conversations because we truly believe that is what is best for them. Being nice may feel good to us and to them at the moment, but are they better as a result of that nice conversation? Don’t get me wrong, we must always treat people with respect and value who they are. But again, one of the best ways we can show respect for someone and value them is to push them to be more than who they are currently being. In my decades of coaching people how to coach people, I run into too many leaders who hesitate to say the hard truths. Some leaders water down the truth in an attempt to be nice at the moment. Many times, it is not because the individual can’t handle a challenging conversation, it is because that leader is uncomfortable initiating that conversation. When leaders avoid challenging people because it makes the leader uncomfortable, that is a selfish choice on the part of the leader. Why? That leader just placed their own comfort before the other person’s growth. When a leader does that, they are falling short of their calling. Does challenging the other person always seem nice at the moment? Probably not. But it is perhaps the most caring thing a leader can do for the person they are called to lead and develop. Leaders, don’t shy away from these moments. These are the moments we put their growth before our own comfort. That is one way Leaders of Character show they care for the people around them. Questions: Who needs you to challenge them to get better? What has prevented you from doing it already? Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com
VLOG – Moral Drift – How Did I Get Here?
You never drift towards excellence. Excellence is only achieved with intentionality. Becoming a Leader of Character takes intentionality. Watch my story in this 106 second video and think about where you can become more intentional with your choices. Here is a quick assessment that will take you 5 minutes to figure it out. Nobody will ever see your results but you. Warning: If you are not going to be honest with yourself this is a worthless assessment. To take the assessment use the QR code above or go to www.MYCHARACTERTEST.com
