Do These Two Things Before You Have That Hard Conversation
- Dave Anderson
- 3 hours ago
- 3 min read
Friction sharpens the blade.
Unproductive conflict is everywhere. We see it modeled in Washington DC and on our cable news shows. We see it modeled in businesses and in households. Unfortunately, these poor models have left many people unprepared or unwilling to engage in conflict. In fact, people often believe conflict is a bad thing. But, it is friction that sharpens a blade.
However, the secret to producing a sharper blade is not just about applying friction, it is also about the angle that blade is applied to the sharpening stone. When it comes from the wrong angle, that stone will damage the blade or in another case leave it unchanged.
There are many books and seminars on how to engage in conflict. We even spend a day teaching the topic, Communicating with Character. We spend time talking about the mechanics of engaging in productive conflict. But there are two steps we start with that are critical to being sure the conflict is productive. And those two steps are dependent on two Habits of Character: Courage and Humility.
Courage: Acting despite perceived or actual risk.
Humility: Believing and acting like “It’s not about me.”
The first step to communicating with character when facing conflict is actually exercising the Courage to engage. Too many people avoid these situations. They gloss over the issue, make it seem like it’s no big deal, or they just kick the can down the road over and over again in hopes that it will go away. (But it rarely does….)
This is like laying the blade flat on the sharpening stone and applying as little pressure as possible on the edge of the blade. That knife will not get sharp. That knife might not get damaged. But the lack of friction will cause it to dull over time and become useless. It takes Courage to step into a situation that may make you uncomfortable. It takes Courage, to engage a person who may not be open to your conversation. It takes Courage to communicate with character at the moment a Leader of Character is needed to step up and speak up.
The second step to Communicating with Character when facing conflict is exercising the Humility to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. Too often, people enter into a difficult conversation ready to fight. They make assumptions about the other person’s motives and decide that in order to win, they need their point of view to win the day. They see the other person’s motives as less than their own. They believe there is purity and Integrity in their own motives, while the other person’s motives are less pure and less honest.
That approach is synonymous with pulling the blade across the sharpening stone at a ninety degree angle. There will be friction. But that friction is going to dull the blade quickly and could make it useless in the long run. The damage we do, when we assume our motives are better than theirs, sets us up to damage the relationship and therefore make it dull and useless in the future.
But if you start by exercising the Courage to engage in the conflict and then exercising the Humility to see the other person’s motives are as valid as your own, the opportunity for a positive outcome skyrockets. The current situation becomes more manageable and future conflicts become less contentious. Win/win scenarios become real possibilities, and both parties walk away from the conflict sharper - better. But it all needs to start with Courage and Humility.
Question:
When have you seen someone avoid conflict out of fear or discomfort?
Did the situation improve by doing that?
Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books.
That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales.
Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks.
While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character - Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity.
Order now on your favorite platform:
(Audible is coming soon!)
Audible: Will be available in the coming weeks. We will let you know as soon as Audible makes it available.