VLOG – Lying to Ourselves about Little Lies
We are lying to ourselves about the impact of little lies. They make a difference because each time we make a choice, a little lie, it makes it easier to make that same choice again. The next 141 seconds is meant to make you rethink that lie you may be telling yourself about little lies.
Three Tests of a Leader’s Duty You Must Pass
“If not me, then who? If not now, then when?” When I ask audiences, “what do great leaders do?” The most frequent answer is “They lead by example.” We define the habit of Duty as “taking action based on our assigned tasks and moral obligations.” It is a leader’s moral obligation to lead by example. Those words may not be in the job description for their role. But, it is still their Duty to lead by example because it is a moral obligation. As a leader, at work or at home, people are always watching and learning from the example we set. The question is, what are they learning when they watch us? This is the fifth in a series of six blogs discussing character tests a leader must pass. But why must they pass these tests? Are they really that important? I will answer that question with a question. Which would you rather lead – a compliant group or a committed team? When a leader fails the daily character tests we’ve been describing in this series, the best that a leader can hope for is a compliant group. People want to follow a Leader of Character. They will comply with someone who is less than that. But they will commit to a leader whom they witness exercising character. Here are three tests a leader needs to pass if they want to do their Duty and set the example for the people they are called to lead. Always Look to Learn: Excuses shift responsibility away from us and onto other people or circumstances. In both cases, the message is, “I had no control, therefore I have nothing to learn from this.” A leader must always look for the lesson. By owning the outcome, even in unforeseen circumstances, the leader has taken the first step towards growth. Excuses are growth killers – for a leader and for those watching the leader. Develop More Leaders: The primary moral obligation of a leader is to make other people better. The job description may involve metrics and other measurable outcomes. But the leader’s real legacy is the people they develop during their tenure. If the leader is not intentional about growing others, the team will stagnate. People will see the leader isn’t invested in them, and they will become a compliant group. Get Your Hands Dirty: Empty a trash can. Train in the rain with the troops. Stay late when the team does. Visit the night shift. Cover the phones. Wash the equipment. We must demonstrate we are willing to do the messy stuff even when it is no longer in our job description. When we do, we demonstrate that nothing is “not my job”. Therefore, nobody on the team will be able to use that as an excuse. On a positive note, your example will lead others to do the same thing for each other. Things will get done that need to be done. Exercising Duty means we pass these three tests and others that challenge our moral obligations. Two questions we can ask ourselves are: “If not me, then who?” “If not now, then when?” When we lead by example by exercising our moral obligations and doing our Duty, our teams will not just be compliant. They will be committed. They will do things because they want to, and they will do more than the minimum. They will exercise the Habit of Duty as well, because they are watching you lead them. They are watching a Leader of Character do what Leaders of Character do. Question: What can you do to pass these tests and set the example? How have other people inspired you by their example?
Three Tests of Selflessness Leaders Must Pass
Selfish people rarely step up in critical situations and do something selfless at a heroic level. Most people don’t want to follow a selfish leader. And most of us don’t want to be considered a selfish leader either. That’s why it’s alarming how many stories about selfish leaders I hear when I am working with leadership teams across the country. I get to interact with law enforcement leaders, fire and rescue leaders, and business leaders. They all tell crazy stories of leaders who think they deserve special attention or special benefits. These selfish leaders can claim that they are in charge. They have people who comply with their wishes. But those people are not committed. The difference between a compliant group and a committed team is often the selfishness or Selflessness of that leader. A selfless leader builds trust and credibility with the people they are called to lead. Each of us is in danger at times of looking out for ourselves first and failing the people we are called to lead. We need to be intentional about Selflessness. We define Selflessness as, “puttting the needs of others before our own needs, desires, or convenience.” Every day, we all face these tests. Selfish people rarely step up in critical situations and do something selfless at a heroic level. The people who are selfless in the small things are prepared to be selfless in the large moments. Here are three tests that test our Selflessness as leaders. If we pass them, we will be prepared for the big moments when Selflessness could be critical. Sacrifice Your Time: The time you spend with somebody sends a message about what you believe is important. If you are constantly looking at your watch or thinking about your next meeting when someone else is speaking to you, your message is, “They don’t matter.” One of the best ways to show them you care is to sacrifice your time for them. Ask More Questions: When you are with somebody, who does most of the talking? Some leaders talk more than they listen. Getting their point of view across is more important than hearing what the other person has to say. Be selfless and ask them about their day, their opinion, and then listen. Work Hard to Understand: Too many people make it their priority to be heard rather than understand the other person. Are you listening or just waiting to talk? Are you leaving that conversation understanding more about them, or do they know more about you? When someone feels heard and understood, they are more likely to buy into us and our leadership. Selflessness takes practice. These tests come daily. How we respond to these tests builds the habit of Selflessness or selfishness. Would you rather follow a selfish leader or a selfless one? This question applies at work and at home. Question: Who do you need to exercise Selflessness with this week? How will passing these tests make you somebody others will want to follow?
Three Tests of Humility All Leaders Must Pass
Humble leaders inspire commitment. Prideful leaders settle for compliance. Pride is the number one cause of character failures for leaders. We see pride win out in Washington with our politicians, at work with our leaders, and at home within relationships. Pride is in all of us and will win the battles if we do not prepare ourselves. If you are going to compete, you’d better start practicing and getting in shape for the approaching contest. Coaches always tell athletes, “The way you practice determines the way you will play on gameday.” When it comes to winning against your pride/ego, how are your practices going? The choices you make between pride and Humility will determine how you show up on gameday when the stakes are high. You have to exercise Humility in the daily practice of life in order to be prepared when it is game time. We define Humility as “Believing and acting like ‘It’s not about me.’” Here are three tests a leader needs to pass in order to practice Humility. Shut up and listen: Most leaders talk too much. God gave you two ears and one mouth. Use them proportionately. When people know a leader is actually listening, they buy into the leader, even if they are not going to get their way. They feel important when the leader is humble enough to hear tough feedback. Admit when you’re wrong: Every leader is wrong sometimes. But few leaders have the Humility or the Courage to admit it. When you are willing to say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.” You build your credibility with others, and you set the example for others when it comes to Integrity and accountability. Don’t fight to win: The need to win an argument is a pride issue. The goal should be to find a solution. When the goal is to win, the other person may walk away compliant, but they are rarely committed. If we fight to find a solution instead of fighting to win, we set our pride aside for the good of the team or the relationship. Humble leaders inspire commitment. Prideful leaders settle for compliance. Compliance from a team, a partner, or a child is a short-term and arrogant way to get things done. By practicing Humility, we are prepared to finally beat our enemy – pride – on game day. Question: How often do you practice Humility? Which of these tests will you face this week?
Three Tests of Integrity All Leaders Must Pass
The root word, integer, tells us that part-time Integrity is not Integrity. You will not find a book or a leadership speaker who is going to tell you that Integrity is optional as a leader. Sure, in practice, there are leaders who sacrifice their Integrity regularly and seem to be succeeding. Their quarterly earnings may look good, and they may come in under budget, but these people are lonely people. They aren’t trusted by the people they lead, work beside, or live with because of their situational Integrity. The problem with claiming to have Integrity is in the root word for Integrity. The root word is integer, and that means whole or pure. If we claim to have Integrity, we need to be exercising it in the small tests and the big tests. The root word, integer, tells us that part-time Integrity is not Integrity. To pass the big Integrity tests that will come our way periodically, we must pass the smaller tests we face regularly. Integrity and the other Six Habits of Character (Courage, Humility, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity) are like muscles. They will either get stronger or atrophy based on the consistency of our exercises. Here are three tests of Integrity that we must pass if we want to be ready when we face the big tests that are heading our way. Correct Slipping Standards: When standards slide, it is rarely a big deal in the beginning. But that slip is a starting point that often leads to big issues. When a leader claims to have standards yet doesn’t uphold those standards, that is hypocritical. A hypocrite is somebody who says one thing yet does something else. Every day, leaders have an opportunity to pass or fail this test. Is this a big deal? NASA describes the result as the “Normalization of Deviance” based on the space shuttle Challenger disaster. Integrity Before Loyalty: We all know deep inside that loyalty should never supersede our Integrity. But in practice, that is a test we can fail. We’ve seen it in the stories of cover-ups in business, law enforcement, and politics. The big tests make the news. But the small failures, like watching a peer fudge a time card or weekly numbers, set us up to fail moments when the consequences are big. When we compromise our Integrity out of loyalty to another person, we have just become a hypocrite once again. Give Your All: When we are working for someone else, there is an understanding that we should get a full paycheck at the end of every pay period. But when we accept that full paycheck, our employer is right to expect 100% of our effort when we are at work. They made a commitment to pay us 100% and in return, we made a commitment to give 100%. If either party breaks that commitment, they can rightly be called a hypocrite. We are all in danger of becoming hypocrites if we fail these three tests. The more we focus on passing the daily tests of our Integrity, the more likely we will pass the larger tests that come our way. Leaders of Character put in the hard work of passing the small Integrity tests they consistently face. Question: How are you doing in these small tests of Integrity? How will you pass these tests this week?
Three Tests of Courage All Leaders Must Pass
If you consistently do these exercises, even when they make you uncomfortable, you will set yourself up for success when the bigger, less frequent Courage challenges come. When leaders allow fear or discomfort to make decisions for them, that is called cowardice. Courage, like the other Six Habits of Character (Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity), is like a muscle that needs exercise. When a leader ignores the daily exercise of these muscles, those muscles atrophy and become weak and vulnerable. We define Courage as “acting despite perceived or actual risk.” The first question a leader needs to ask themselves is “Is this a real risk or is this just something that is worse in my head than it probably is? Am I so focused on the negative outcomes that are possible, that I am convincing myself that they are probable?” The mind games that fear plays create the scenario where a leader allows those fears to make the decisions for them. When that happens, that leader is choosing cowardice. Leaders, we must intentionally head to the character gym and get our workouts in. Muscles don’t get in shape by talking about exercising them. They don’t stay in shape by exercising them only when we feel like it. And our muscles will never grow unless we push them outside of their comfort zone and break a sweat. Courageous leaders – leaders who people admire for making tough choices, being decisive, and staying consistent – become courageous by exercising Courage intentionally in the daily workouts that life brings, so they are ready when they need Courage to make the big choices leaders are called to make. Here are three Courage Exercises that leaders will face regularly. If you consistently do these exercises, even when they make you uncomfortable, you will set yourself up for success when the bigger, less frequent Courage challenges come. Don’t put off a tough conversation: Bad news doesn’t get any better with age. Do it now. Make the call. Set up the meeting. And then address the issue at hand. Don’t let the voices in your head tell you to wait. It will probably go better than the voices in your head are telling you it will. (Perceived Risk) Challenge a former peer on their behavior: This is one of the most common reasons leaders let problems fester. They hesitate to address an issue with someone they used to work with as a peer. People are watching. Stepping up in this situation is not easy. Courage is required at the moment. If you don’t choose Courage, what are you choosing? If that former peer holds that relationship to be as important as you do, they will accept the correction and respect your position. Tell your boss what they don’t want to hear: Yes. This takes tact. But somebody needs to have the Courage to tell that leader what the leader needs to hear. Will it always go well? Probably not. But you will have exercised the Courage to do what needed to be done, even when nobody else is willing to do it. Each of these challenges are common occurrence for all leaders. If you ignore them, it is like hanging out in a gym full of workout equipment and never getting on a machine. You can walk around the building all you want. But just because you are in the gym does not mean you are in better shape for being there. You need to put in the work. When we do, our Courage muscles will get stronger. We will see our impact grow on the people we are called to lead. And we will become the Courageous Leader that people respect, admire and want to follow. Question: Which of these tests are you facing this week? What will you choose? Courage or cowardice?
Negativity is a Habit You Can Break
A complainer, a downer, or a gossip is not a Leader of Character. How do you break the habit of being negative? Quit practicing it so consistently. The more practice you put into something, the better you get at that thing. If you practice playing the piano, you will get better at it. If you practice your golf swing, you will get better at that too. But if you practice the piano or your golf swing the wrong way, those bad habits become what type of pianist you are or what type of golfer you are – a bad pianist or a bad golfer. The same is true for your character. Specifically, your attitude will become a habit based on what you practice. If you consistently practice attitude the wrong way and build the bad habit of negativity, that bad habit will affect your character and become who you are – a bad leader or a bad partner. What type of attitude are you practicing? Do you practice negativity or Positivity? You are what you consistently do. Think about that. If you consistently complain, wallow in self-pity, or gossip about others, what have you become? A complainer, a downer, a gossip, but not a Leader of Character and not somebody others want to be around. Whatever attitude you choose, it will get easier to choose that attitude in the future. Negativity makes us more likely to choose negativity in the future. Your attitude is something you have the power to choose – no matter the circumstances you are facing. There are examples everywhere of people who chose Positivity in the midst of death, illness, or injustice. Their stories would be heartbreaking and make you angry if they had chosen to just complain, or focus on themselves, or point fingers. But those inspirational people chose a different path in the midst of their bad circumstances. They chose Positivity. Positivity: Displaying a positive or “Can do” attitude in all circumstances. The next time you get cut off in traffic. The next time there is a policy change at work. The next time you receive negative feedback from a supervisor or a family member, you have a choice. What will you choose in those circumstances? Positivity or negativity? If you want to break the habit of negativity, you have to start choosing a different attitude in the midst of the circumstances. It truly is up to you. The more you choose Positivity instead of negativity, the closer you will become to being that person and that leader other people want to follow – a Leader of Character. Question: What circumstances cause you to become negative? What path could you take instead?
Being Unreliable is a Habit You Can Break
Being unreliable is a habit. Duty is a habit as well. Whichever one you practice, it will become a habit. We all drop the ball sometimes. We forgot a Zoom meeting. We missed a voicemail. We forget to pick up the dry cleaning for our spouse. Nobody’s perfect. But there are certain people who are just flat out unreliable. Missing meetings, voicemails or chores isn’t just periodic. We expect it of those people. They make a habit of being unreliable. You can be unreliable in many ways. Sometimes we are unreliable in the things we are assigned or asked to do. Sometimes we are unreliable in the things we ought to do. Assigned or asked: Accuracy in administrative reports Vehicle maintenance checks and cleanliness Putting your dirty clothes in the hamper Ought to do: Coaching/mentoring younger employees Checking on the emotional/mental wellness of colleagues Cleaning up your mess after you make a sandwich at home It doesn’t matter if we drop the ball on an assigned task or what we ought to do; when we choose to avoid either, we develop the habit of being unreliable. Someone who makes these choices consistently will never gain the trust of their leaders, their peers, their subordinates, or their loved ones. Who trusts somebody who is unreliable? We trust people who exercise the habit of Duty. Definition of Duty: Taking action based on our assigned tasks and moral obligations. Duty is a critical Habit of Character because it truly is a marker for the rest of our character. If we exercise Duty on a habitual basis, we are probably exercising the other Habits of Character. Courage: You need Courage to have the tough conversations that leaders ought to have with those they are called to lead and develop. Humility: You need Humility to take the time that you ought to in order to listen to feedback and learn from others. Integrity: You need Integrity to uphold the standards you ought to enforce, even when it is a former peer challenging that standard. Selflessness: You need Selflessness when you ought to stop and listen to the problems of a teammate or a family member, even when you are tired or in a hurry. Positivity: You need Positivity when you ought to encourage everyone on your team or in your family, even when the S ___ hits the fan. Each time you choose to follow through on the things you are assigned to do and the things that you ought to do, you are strengthening the habit of Duty. Those consistent daily choices are what will help you break the habit of being unreliable. If you want to be trusted by the people you work with and the people you live with, you need to be reliable in both the assigned tasks and the moral obligations (the ought to’s). Most people don’t expect you to be perfect, but they do expect you to be consistent in exercising Duty. Being unreliable is a habit. Duty is a habit as well. Whichever one you practice, it will become a habit. Because the more you practice anything, it becomes a part of who you are and what type of leader you are. Would you follow you? Question: When have you been unreliable recently? What are some “ought to’s” that you need to practice?
Selfishness is a Habit You Can Break
The more you practice something, the better you get at that thing. There are some people who are really good at being selfish. They know how to always get what they want, have their needs met first, and make sure others are working for them. Selfishness is a habit. The more you practice selfishness, the more it becomes who you are. The more you choose yourself over others, the closer you get to becoming a selfish person. Who wants to have a selfish leader, a selfish co-worker, or a selfish partner in life? I know I choose selfishness too easily. If I am not careful, I will: Avoid a problem and hope someone else will deal with it. Leave the trash in the kitchen and hope someone else will take it outside. Talk about my family, my job, or my day without asking about the other person. Not truly listen to the other person because I am formulating my rebuttal. Do what is easiest for me at the moment, rather than serve the other person. It is easy to choose selfishness. Even my friends in public safety (fire and law enforcement) know this is true. These public servants consistently choose to put themselves on the line to serve their communities. They care for Mrs. Smith when she dials 911. They rescue people from burning cars on the freeway. They are selfless in these moments. But I always challenge them – “What happens when it comes down to how you treat each other? Or your spouse?” If you are not careful, it can be easy to choose selfishness with those we know the best. They get the worst of us. They get the selfish side of us. When you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired, the people we care about the most receive our selfishness. The first step in breaking a bad habit is recognizing you have a problem. Once you exercise the Humility to look in the mirror and see you are being selfish, you give yourself an opportunity to choose something else – Selflessness. Selflessness: Putting the needs of others before my own needs, desires, or convenience. Putting others first is a habit. Each time we pause and make the intentional choice to serve that peer or loved one, instead of choosing ourselves or what is convenient, it makes it easier to choose to do so the next time. Selfish people practice selfishness. Selfless people practice Selflessness. The way you break your selfish habit is to choose Selflessness. The more you practice something, the better you get at that thing. The more you choose Selflessness, the better you get at Selflessness! It’s not rocket science, but it does require you to put in the effort and practice. Question: When have you been selfish lately? How can you change that in the future?
Being a Hypocrite is a Habit You Can Break
When something becomes a habit, you become that habit. Practice makes perfect! That is true whether you’re learning a new skill or refining an old skill. It is also true when it comes to exercising Integrity or exercising the opposite of Integrity – hypocrisy. Just ask any teenager. “What do you call someone who says one thing yet does another?” They are going to call that person a hypocrite. Most people claim to have Integrity. They also demand Integrity from their leaders, their spouses, and their children. But you have to be careful with making those demands on others if you are not practicing Integrity yourself. What do you call someone who talks about Integrity and demands it of others, but: Blames circumstances out of their control for being late with a project, yet they in fact procrastinated starting the project. Picks up their kids early from school, claiming they had a dental appointment, but they are actually leaving early for a family trip. Sees that the waiter did not include their dessert on the bill, yet says nothing. Claims to have high standards for a team, but does not correct the behaviors of a former peer. Lies for a friend who chose to break a policy and is trying to avoid punishment. Lies for a friend who is deceiving a loved one. When something becomes a habit, you become that habit. The more you practice a behavior it becomes like muscle memory. It becomes an automatic reaction, a habit that takes little thought. That is how many well-intentioned people become hypocrites. They know what hypocrisy looks like in others, yet they don’t see it in themselves. The way you break any habit is to begin practicing something different. You don’t get rid of a habit, you replace it with something else. Habits, like hypocrisy, can be replaced if you decide to make another choice instead. What we are talking about is Integrity. Integrity: Doing what is good, right, and proper even at personal cost. The more you choose Integrity, the less power the old habit of hypocrisy has on you. Each time you choose to admit a mistake, let the waiter know about your dessert, or put your Integrity before loyalty, it will get easier the next time. Your choices at the moment of testing will determine if you are a hypocrite or a person of Integrity – a Leader of Character. It’s your choice. If you are a person who wants Integrity from others but realize that you are practicing something less than Integrity yourself, you now have an opportunity. The good news is you can replace that old habit of hypocrisy with a new habit of Integrity. The same habit you expect of others. Question: Are you practicing Integrity at the same level that you expect of others? What will be the benefits if you start living up to those standards?
Arrogance is a Habit You Can Break
When someone practices golf, they become a golfer. When you practice arrogance, you become arrogant. How do the arrogant people we know become arrogant? Through practice. Nobody ever gets good at anything without practicing it. Football players are great players because they practice. Speakers are great communicators because they practice. And arrogant people are overbearing and tiresome because they practice. Here is something that we should all understand. Pride is in everyone. We are born with pride. Pride tells us that we should focus on ourselves and be worried about “me”. Pride fights a battle to control our choices and, therefore, control who we are becoming. The people who are losing that battle are the arrogant people. They listen to those voices and they consistently choose themselves over others. They make it all about themselves. They practice arrogance, and therefore they become arrogant. You are what you consistently do. Arrogance: Doesn’t listen to the opinions of others. Refuses to admit weaknesses or mistakes. Demands the spotlight. Wants all the credit but none of the blame. Sees other people as tools to achieve their own goals. Refuses to compromise. Hears feedback as an attack. Sees people with different opinions as inferior or stupid. Arrogance is the habit of letting your pride make decisions for you. The more you choose pride, the more likely you are becoming arrogant. Your habits, the good ones and your bad ones, are the result of your choices. Whatever you practice, that is what you become. When someone practices golf, they become a golfer. When you practice arrogance, you become arrogant. However, you can choose something else. You can choose Humility. No matter how long you have been choosing to listen to your pride, you can make a different choice starting today. By choosing Humility and practicing Humility regularly, you will become a humble person. We define Humility as believing and acting like “it’s not about me.” When you consistently choose not to make it about you, you are moving away from the habit of arrogance and choosing the habit of Humility. Each time you replace the old prideful choice with the new humble choice, you are choosing what Leaders of Character choose. Leaders of Character practice Humility and other people want to be around them and want to follow them. Question: If you had the choice between a competent, arrogant leader and a competent, humble leader, who would you choose? Why is Humility so inspiring to others?
Cowardice is a Habit You Can Break
You are what you consistently do. How do you become a coward? Through practice. Cowardice is a habit that can grab you and hold you back from becoming who you are called to be. Notice, I didn’t say fear is a habit. Everyone encounters fear. Fear is a reaction to perceived or actual risk that is meant to protect you from bad outcomes – like a lion eating you. Cowardice is when you let your fears control you. For example, when a perceived or actual risk enters your life, you habitually choose to listen to your fearful self talk – like somebody not liking you or your ideas. Cowardice: Stops you from trying something you aren’t sure you can do. Keeps you silent when other people are bad mouthing a co-worker. Pushes back against inevitable change. Chooses pleasant easy things. Chooses the easy way of the status quo. Allows a friend to stand alone. Cowardice is a habit. Similar to any habit, the more you choose it, the more it becomes who you are. The more you choose to smoke, the more likely you will become a smoker. You are what you consistently do. The good news is that the opposite of cowardice is Courage. We define Courage as acting despite perceived or actual risk. In his great book The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg points out that you don’t eliminate habits, you replace them. My challenge to you follows Duhigg’s guidance. If you have been in the habit of listening to the voices in your head telling you to choose the safe, comfortable, or easy option then it is time to start a new habit. That new habit is Courage. Instead of practicing cowardice, start practicing Courage! The more you choose to exercise Courage in the moments where you used to choose cowardice, the easier it will get the next time you hear those fearful voices inside your head. One choice at a time, one day at a time, you will get better and better and no longer let fear make your decisions for you. You will walk away from cowardice and right into the habit of Courage. You are what you consistently do. You can check out our other blogs on Courage: Courage Blogs Question: What areas of your life have you let fear control your decisions? Where are you going to choose Courage this week?
VLOG – Loyalty versus Integrity – Which One Comes First?
There is a messed up understanding of what real loyalty is. That old understanding often causes people to sacrifice their Integrity out of “loyalty”. We have to change the definition of loyalty. Watch this 114 second video shares a better definition of loyalty that also upholds Integrity. FINALLY! Becoming a Leader of Character Audiobook is available on Audible. If you are an Audible user, then order it here: Order Audiobook on Audible You can also order on Spotify and Apple! Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple Audiobook sales have taken over for ebook sales. When we first published Becoming a Leader of Character in 2017, people were predicting ebooks were going to kill traditional hard copy print books. That didn’t happen. In fact, print books’ percentage of sales are very similar to what they were in 2017 when we first published. What has changed is that audiobooks have eaten away at ebook sales. Therefore, if you have been waiting on the audiobook version of Becoming a Leader of Character it is now here! You can get it on Spotify, Audible or any other major platform for audiobooks. While you drive or workout, marinate your brains in the Six Habits of Character – Courage, Humility, Integrity, Selflessness, Duty, and Positivity. Order now on your favorite platform: Character Counts! Dave Order Audiobook on Audible Order Audiobook on Spotify Order Audiobook on Apple
